Day 4: Embracing Fear

Day4

Standing at the top of a mountain and strapped to a 1/2-cm thick piece of plastic, I remembered that I'm risk-adverse. I decided where to live after college based on where I had family. I make friends through book clubs because it's easy to talk about books. I converse about food at parties because everyone eats. So, how did I end up at the top of a mountain even though I fear heights?

Having grown up in the Midwest, I miss the snow and the cold winters. Years pass strangely in California with its lack of seasons. For years, friends suggested I take advantage of California's mountains and go ski in winter. It's the joy of winter without the required daily work. I never went. Being afraid to sled hills, I could not imagine myself careening down a mountain on slim pieces of plastic.  Then last year, I started doing small things that scare me such as talking to strangers at parties or looking stupid while learning how to swim. I realized that once I could acknowledge what I was afraid of, I can move on from it. Last year also introduced me to a new friend who's fanatical about snowboarding. I have always loved doing things with people who are passionate about that thing. Enthusiasm is infectious. So when he invited me to go snowboarding, I said yes.

That day, I was regretting my yes. It was not my first day, but it was the highest. After we unloaded from the lift, he took me to a sheer drop-off and told me to go down it. I was utterly terrified. In fact, I was hyperventilating. I wanted to jump back on the lift and retreat to the nice, warm, safe lodge. Instead I sat in the snow for 5 minutes, gathered my fear and panic, and squished them into a manageable ball. Then I flung myself off the side.

I went nowhere. It was a powder day and there was so much snow that I sunk immediately. My fears of careening wildly out of control down a mountain, injuring myself, and killing others turned out to be irrational. It was an accomplishment to snowboard two feet without sinking.

Fear can be debilitating. In small doses fear can be useful. It can focus attention: "Oh crap, there's a tree. I need to steer away from it." However, in large doses fear can prevent us from experiencing life. If fear had prevailed, I would have missed out three things I love: being outdoors, being active, and being in snow. Acknowledge your fears, then ignore them. Fear will be always present, but its purpose and influence on your life can be changed.


What fear have you conquered lately?