Live and Defy the Lies

My 30 Days project had many reasons and many beginnings. I talked about the immediate inspiration on day 1. The reason I focused on posters is because I had experience designing posters for fun last year. At the time, I was completing my final accounting class for a professional certificate. Since I read the material before the lecture, I rarely paid attention in class. Instead, I doodled ideas on posters for supporting runners at races or giving out free sunscreen during Dyke March.  Since posters are disposable, making them did not stress me. Rather than trying to perfect every detail, I have fun with posters. Ideas were easy to generate and to execute.

A year later, I'm doodling and painting posters again for Dyke March. I had squeezed out too much paint and used it up on this poster. This question is from a discussion with a friend from a few months ago. Considering my mindset at the time, it is a fair assumption the topic involved existential crisis. At one point she asked me, "What lie are you telling yourself about yourself?"  I didn't understand her question at the time. I thought I always honestly assessed who I am and what I am capable of.

I am actively a positive person; I focus on the positive and present the positive side of everything. Life is too short to dwell on the negatives and I'm happier when I can see the joy in everything. However, sometimes one needs to understand the negative to move forward. In the past few months I realized that my lie is "I am not enough." I am not active enough, I am not thin enough, I am not social enough, I am not smart enough, I am not talented enough, I am not queer enough, I am not nice enough, I am not empathic enough, I am not caring enough, I am not engaging enough. Because I am not enough and I fail the standards in everything, I belong nowhere and no one enjoys my company.

Those were lies that had been internalized without my awareness. Now that I know what my lies are, I no longer believe in them. I share this with you so you can understand what I mean when I ask you:

What lie is society telling you? Live and defy it.

Day 12: Restriction is never the solution

Day 12

(Trigger warning)

Restriction is an insidious process. It starts with something small. Or it starts with something big. The restriction is incorporated into your daily life. It's encouraged and praised by others. Then it is not enough and you restrict something else. Gradually, the restrictions increase and you're spiralling out of control. But you can't tell how tight the bindings are getting. You don't notice how you can't breathe. You just wonder why there is too much air to breathe and why you need so much of it. You get mad at yourself for being greedy, for wanting more air. You restrict something else. It cycles. It spirals.

Then one day, you realize that something is wrong and you reach out. You learn that you have been holding your breath. Slowly you learn it is ok to breathe. It is ok to want air. Until you relearned how to breathe, you couldn't understand that it was ok to breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Inspired by Mary Lambert's "Body Love"