Paper: Happiness

Why happiness scares me

Happiness scares me in ways that unhappiness never did.

Today I woke up happy and went to work happy because I had a really good weekend. In the middle of the day I became disquieted. I realized I was afraid of how various areas of my life are coming together and how happy I am becoming. I did not understand when a friend recently told me that she is so happy, she is scared.  I have chased happiness for so long that I could not imagine being scared of it. Whenever happiness enters my life, I revel in it because I desire it so much. Today I understand how happiness can be so overwhelming as to be frightening.

Unhappiness feels endless. The well of self-loathing and despair never runs dry. At a certain point, negative emotions become comforting. They are dependable, stable, and self-maintaining. Unhappiness is an unwelcome house-guest. If it stays, fine; you learn how to live and work around it. If it leaves, that's even better; life improves.

Happiness, on the other hand, is fragile. When it leaves, life is less bright. Happiness feels limited, in quantity and in scope. It is easily taken away and requires constant maintenance. In the past year my happiness quotient has increased so much that it feels like a rapidly built house of cards. Somehow I will screw up and collapse the whole structure. However, dwelling on these thoughts serves no purpose other than becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. While this may seem like a depressing post, it is is not. It is a simple reminder to embrace happiness whenever and in whatever form it comes in. Life is a cycle of ups and downs; both phases have their purposes.

Happiness is a bubble. It is delicate and fragile, but it brings beauty and delight. Enjoy happiness when it enters your life.
  
What has brought joy into your life this month?

Live and Defy the Lies

My 30 Days project had many reasons and many beginnings. I talked about the immediate inspiration on day 1. The reason I focused on posters is because I had experience designing posters for fun last year. At the time, I was completing my final accounting class for a professional certificate. Since I read the material before the lecture, I rarely paid attention in class. Instead, I doodled ideas on posters for supporting runners at races or giving out free sunscreen during Dyke March.  Since posters are disposable, making them did not stress me. Rather than trying to perfect every detail, I have fun with posters. Ideas were easy to generate and to execute.

A year later, I'm doodling and painting posters again for Dyke March. I had squeezed out too much paint and used it up on this poster. This question is from a discussion with a friend from a few months ago. Considering my mindset at the time, it is a fair assumption the topic involved existential crisis. At one point she asked me, "What lie are you telling yourself about yourself?"  I didn't understand her question at the time. I thought I always honestly assessed who I am and what I am capable of.

I am actively a positive person; I focus on the positive and present the positive side of everything. Life is too short to dwell on the negatives and I'm happier when I can see the joy in everything. However, sometimes one needs to understand the negative to move forward. In the past few months I realized that my lie is "I am not enough." I am not active enough, I am not thin enough, I am not social enough, I am not smart enough, I am not talented enough, I am not queer enough, I am not nice enough, I am not empathic enough, I am not caring enough, I am not engaging enough. Because I am not enough and I fail the standards in everything, I belong nowhere and no one enjoys my company.

Those were lies that had been internalized without my awareness. Now that I know what my lies are, I no longer believe in them. I share this with you so you can understand what I mean when I ask you:

What lie is society telling you? Live and defy it.

Day 32: Siesta

Day 32

Sleep deprivation is standard in our fast-paced and tightly scheduled society. A lack of sleep is exalted as proof of one's passion, ambition, and dedication. I, however, require eight hours of sleep to be fully functional. I loved vacationing in a country where afternoon naps are customary.  Even though the tradition of the siesta has declined in Madrid, I napped every day. The afternoon sun is very hot and a nap is the perfect way to wait for the heat to break. After my afternoon naps, I visited art museums during their free hours.

Museo Nacional del Prado, post-nap

This concludes my trip and my 30 day challenge. I hope the posters made you laugh or inspired you. Thanks for reading! 

How many hours of sleep do you need to be fully functional, and how many hours do you actually get?